The holiday season is a time of love and laughter. Family and frivolity. And when you come from a close-knit extended family with few boundaries, this holiday shit can also get real weird, real fast.
In that vein, this is a story about how I showed all of my aunts a dick pic while we were baking Christmas cookies.
“Have you ever gotten a dick pic?” My aunt whispered the last two words.
After all, my nearly-two-year-old niece was picking up words like a little noun vacuum, and the last thing we needed was her talking about dick pics over spaghetti and meat balls in front of her equally impressionable cousins.
“Yeah. I got a few of them a few months ago from a guy I was seeing.”
Two of my aunts looked at me expectantly. The nieces were busy playing dress up, so I furtively retrieved my phone and scrolled through my text messages. (Yes, I know it would have been polite to delete them after I stopped seeing this guy, but I was saving them for a day when the sky wasn’t raining men — or dick pics.)
Aunt #1: “Holy Cannoli!”
Aunt #2: “I’ll say. But does he know how to use it?”
Aunt #3: “I’ve seen enough of them to last a lifetime. Is there any wine left in that bottle or do I need to get another one from the car?”
Moral of the story — be Aunt #3.